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10 July 2008 @ 02:01 am
"It hurts when I do this"  
New brigits_flame entry... because... yeah.  A big thank you to baronanriel for his help editing, and a super-special-awesome extra-fantastic hug-ridden groveling-on-knees thank you to eltea, who did a wonderful and superb bit of editing work on this one, because she loves me too much for her own good.  I wasn't entirely sure about this piece when I started, but now I know I like it.

The prompt is "It hurts when I do this."

Absently his fingers navigate the damp labyrinth of tangled hair that spills over the pillow like a disheveled inkblot.  He encounters a snag where one curl has become desperately intimate with another and slowly attempts to work it out.  She shifts.

Her eyelashes flirt with her cheeks, kissing them lightly as she fights the weight of her eyelids.  She’s exhausted almost to the point of slipping into unconsciousness, but she’s still answering him, and he’s not entirely sure why.  He’s never  in his life been more important than sleep before.

“You know,” he remarks, “they used to think it took a little while off of your life.  That you were ‘dying’ in some small way.  So a lot of authors of the time made use of that as this tremendous pun.  Shakespeare used it a lot in the sonnets.”

“The ones to the patron guy?” she murmurs, the slender shadows of her eyelashes lengthening.  “Or the ones to the dark lady?”

If he thinks of dark ladies, he will shatter like sugar glass.

“Both,” he answers, and as he twists his breath to craft the word, he realizes, in what is less an epiphany and more the caboose to a long-trundling train, that he loves her.

It makes his fingers tingle and his heart pound, and those wretched clichés terrify him even more than the understanding that he is in love.

Again.

 
 
Feeling: exhaustedexhausted
 
 
 
aisling87: kabukitataisling87 on July 10th, 2008 04:27 pm (UTC)
*grin* Only a little death.
Vitamin Ctierfal on July 10th, 2008 08:37 pm (UTC)
Yup! 8D
Marmmarmaladefever on July 10th, 2008 05:00 pm (UTC)
It almost terrifies me that I understand the dying and Shakespeare references.

Very pretty piece o' prose!
Vitamin Ctierfal on July 10th, 2008 08:37 pm (UTC)
Hahaha, yeah, a lot of people probably don't realize how much stuff like that you're privy to as an English person...

Thanks!! ^^
wickedmommy: Rockstarwickedmommy on July 11th, 2008 05:54 pm (UTC)
Lovely piece. YOu did so much with such few words. Beautiful picture painted.
Vitamin Ctierfal on July 15th, 2008 07:09 am (UTC)
Thank you! I usually write too much, so it's fun every now and again to try to keep it short. :)
K: writingkay_brooke on July 11th, 2008 06:57 pm (UTC)
Lovely language in this one, making nicely evocative images. Great entry!
Vitamin Ctierfal on July 15th, 2008 07:10 am (UTC)
Thank you! I had a good time with it. :)
Miss Sass0_dizzynoise_0 on July 11th, 2008 09:18 pm (UTC)
Not many people can write so few words and manage to captivate so well!

This was awesome!
Vitamin Ctierfal on July 15th, 2008 07:11 am (UTC)
Thanks!! This one came from a slightly different place than a lot of my writing, and I'm glad that it turned out well. x)
szalotkaszalotka on July 11th, 2008 11:14 pm (UTC)
Excellent using every word to it's fullest potential.
Vitamin Ctierfal on July 15th, 2008 07:11 am (UTC)
Thank you! ^^
the_panic_lightthe_panic_light on July 12th, 2008 12:46 pm (UTC)
A gorgeous little snapshot, perfectly taken. Thank you.
Vitamin Ctierfal on July 15th, 2008 07:11 am (UTC)
Thank YOU! :D
Autumn Intermezzointermezzo_poet on July 12th, 2008 08:45 pm (UTC)
"and those wretched cliches terrify him..."

Brilliant. :)
Vitamin Ctierfal on July 15th, 2008 07:11 am (UTC)
Aw, shucks. x) Thanks!
merthinmerthin on July 14th, 2008 07:39 am (UTC)
Nice imagery.
I very much enjoyed the imagery this piece evoked. Nicely done.
Vitamin Ctierfal on July 15th, 2008 07:12 am (UTC)
Re: Nice imagery.
I very much enjoy trying to wrap words around the images in my head. Thank you!
Quantum C. Kat: kitty readingquantumckat on July 16th, 2008 02:14 am (UTC)
Good evening!
I’ll be your primary or secondary editor for this round. Sorry for the delay. I was one sick kitty over the weekend.

If you’re interested, you can read a little more about my editing style on my journal. The entry is post-dated for your convenience, but I don't think that matters because I the only way I can think to critique it is through review.

For what it is, it's perfect. It's grammatically and visually sound. It meets expectations I couldn't hope to achieve at this point, but it gives me something to strive for.

I'm kind of surprised you didn't make it to the third round with this. I thought it was beautiful.
Vitamin Ctierfal on July 16th, 2008 07:28 am (UTC)
Re: Good evening!
I'm glad you liked it, and thank you!

I will be the first to admit that I was disappointed it didn't get me to the third round, but I guess you win some and you lose some. x) It came from kind of a pure place in my current strange little world, and I'm very glad that you liked it. :)

Thanks again! ^^
aisling87: kabukitataisling87 on July 18th, 2008 02:32 am (UTC)
Hello! I'll be acting as your stand-in secondary editor today.

I also really, really enjoyed this piece. I love the allusion to Shakespeare's "little deaths," giving us insight into what has happened just before this scene.

Some lines I was especially fond of include:


one curl has become desperately intimate with another


Her eyelashes flirt with her cheeks,

he will shatter like sugar glass.

in what is less an epiphany and more the caboose to a long-trundling train,


I also think it's very well-polished. The only thing I can think of is that perhaps last-week's readers wanted even more details of the story. Personally, I like it just as is.



Vitamin Ctierfal on July 18th, 2008 07:00 pm (UTC)
Thank you! I'm glad you liked it. :)

Ahh. That makes sense. My approach was a bit more snapshot-ish, though, yeah.

Thanks again!
mahsaff on August 2nd, 2008 08:44 pm (UTC)
Loved it!
I read this drabble a week or two... or three ago and was... well... blown away by it's awesomeness and honestly meant to come back to comment on it when I had more time to compose something apppropriately worshipful. Jeez, it was hard to find again, lol! You post to your LJ a lot!!

I hope you meant this to be a reference to RL/SB & RL/NT, but even if you didn't I adored it all: the beautiful images, the fab literary references, everything. :)
Vitamin Ctierfal on August 2nd, 2008 09:05 pm (UTC)
Re: Loved it!
Awww, thanks! ^_^;; And yeah, I post more than the average human being by a considerable amount. XD

It wasn't anything HP-related, really... I generally try to keep fanfiction distinctly separate from original stuff and mark the two accordingly. :3

Anyway, I'm very glad you liked it! ^_^