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10 July 2008 @ 02:01 am
"It hurts when I do this"  
New brigits_flame entry... because... yeah.  A big thank you to baronanriel for his help editing, and a super-special-awesome extra-fantastic hug-ridden groveling-on-knees thank you to eltea, who did a wonderful and superb bit of editing work on this one, because she loves me too much for her own good.  I wasn't entirely sure about this piece when I started, but now I know I like it.

The prompt is "It hurts when I do this."

Absently his fingers navigate the damp labyrinth of tangled hair that spills over the pillow like a disheveled inkblot.  He encounters a snag where one curl has become desperately intimate with another and slowly attempts to work it out.  She shifts.

Her eyelashes flirt with her cheeks, kissing them lightly as she fights the weight of her eyelids.  She’s exhausted almost to the point of slipping into unconsciousness, but she’s still answering him, and he’s not entirely sure why.  He’s never  in his life been more important than sleep before.

“You know,” he remarks, “they used to think it took a little while off of your life.  That you were ‘dying’ in some small way.  So a lot of authors of the time made use of that as this tremendous pun.  Shakespeare used it a lot in the sonnets.”

“The ones to the patron guy?” she murmurs, the slender shadows of her eyelashes lengthening.  “Or the ones to the dark lady?”

If he thinks of dark ladies, he will shatter like sugar glass.

“Both,” he answers, and as he twists his breath to craft the word, he realizes, in what is less an epiphany and more the caboose to a long-trundling train, that he loves her.

It makes his fingers tingle and his heart pound, and those wretched clichés terrify him even more than the understanding that he is in love.

Again.

 
 
Feeling: exhaustedexhausted
 
 
 
aisling87: kabukitataisling87 on July 18th, 2008 02:32 am (UTC)
Hello! I'll be acting as your stand-in secondary editor today.

I also really, really enjoyed this piece. I love the allusion to Shakespeare's "little deaths," giving us insight into what has happened just before this scene.

Some lines I was especially fond of include:


one curl has become desperately intimate with another


Her eyelashes flirt with her cheeks,

he will shatter like sugar glass.

in what is less an epiphany and more the caboose to a long-trundling train,


I also think it's very well-polished. The only thing I can think of is that perhaps last-week's readers wanted even more details of the story. Personally, I like it just as is.



Vitamin Ctierfal on July 18th, 2008 07:00 pm (UTC)
Thank you! I'm glad you liked it. :)

Ahh. That makes sense. My approach was a bit more snapshot-ish, though, yeah.

Thanks again!