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08 October 2008 @ 03:10 pm
"There it goes"  
So it's brigits_flame time again.

The last time I wrote poetry was, if memory serves, almost exactly a year ago. I just don't do poetry much, because it always sounds kind of juvenile to me when I'm done, and I don't tend to like it. But I was contemplating the prompt last night, abject and computerless, and my brain started throwing words at me. No clue why they decided to be these ones, and I didn't want to force them to try to be any others. Mea culpa. XD

Thanks as always to eltea for looking it over. :) The prompt was that it had to start with the words "There it goes."

There -- it -- goes --

The right, the wrong, the siren song;
The crystal nonsense words;
The shards of glass through which we pass;
The soaring flightless birds.

The truth, the lie, the screaming sigh;
The whisper in the wood;
The nightfall holds its orange folds
As we all wish we could.

The cautious haste, the grateful waste;
The corners of the ring;
The clock that stops, the tearing drops;
Absurd, and everything.

 
 
Feeling: confusedconfused
 
 
 
(Deleted comment)
Vitamin Ctierfal on October 9th, 2008 01:34 am (UTC)
I definitely squee'd a little when I read this. XD You make me a vry vry happy little Tierfal. :3 Thanks, as always! ^^
richelle2972richelle2972 on October 9th, 2008 01:11 am (UTC)
I'll admit that I know very little about poetry, but this just sounds pretty...not sure how that works out. I really, really like it. I will definitely be reading it a few more times after I get some food in me to get more meaning out of it. *runs towards the dining commons*
Vitamin C: Sparky!tierfal on October 9th, 2008 01:44 am (UTC)
Yay, I'm glad. ^^ I know very little about poetry except how to BS an essay about it. XD

I secretly miss the dining commons. Actually, it's not a secret at all. :P
dreamy_idealistdreamy_idealist on October 9th, 2008 11:55 pm (UTC)
Oh, I wish my brains started throwing that kind of words at me!

I love every bit of this, I think I'm going to learn it by heart. That's what my brain is telling me.

As of now, I'm rooting for you every week! Good luck!
Vitamin Ctierfal on October 10th, 2008 01:53 am (UTC)
Oh, my goodness! I'm glad you like it! Thanks very much! ^^
insolentscrawl: JaneAustininsolentscrawl on October 10th, 2008 08:46 pm (UTC)
I really like the rhythm and flow of this piece. It's fun to say out loud.
Vitamin Ctierfal on October 10th, 2008 10:10 pm (UTC)
I'm glad! Thanks! ^^
cedarwolfsingercedarwolfsinger on October 11th, 2008 05:07 pm (UTC)
Good job! Very nice! I never do poetry that rhymes so I am very impressed when others do that! Nicely done. Good luck...
Vitamin Ctierfal on October 11th, 2008 06:39 pm (UTC)
Thank you very much! :)
Lauri~leyse on October 16th, 2008 10:04 pm (UTC)
Hi, I'm your editor for this week from B_F.

One of the tricks to writing really good poetry is familiarizing yourself with poetic tools.

For instance, you are using Iambic meter in this piece (more information found here: http://www.writing.upenn.edu/~afilreis/88/meter.html) which is fine and dandy, and used by the greats, but it's typically used in pentameter (10 syllables per line) rather than tetrameter (what you've used, eight syllables per line) because it has a tendency to be a bit sing-song ish, which can make a poem sound trite no matter the themes and images.

One way to avoid this sing song sound is to break up the sentences. Here you have each line contain a complete thought, try extending the thought across line breaks to make the meter less apparent but still keeping the nice flow that iambic gives.

My only other criticism is that the images are really vague here. They're grand, epic, I can tell whatever is going is something big, but at the end of the poem, I really have no idea what "it" is. Try to pick an exact thing that's going, and use specific images related to that. For instance, if you're talking about childhood, refer to swings and sandboxes. If you're referring to love, use imagery that reminds the readers of touches and kisses and that sort of thing.

One thing I find helpful is to make a list of the metaphors I want to use in a poem, and go through my senses one by one. What does it smell, taste, feel, sound and look like? After I've done that, I pick an unusual sense and construct the imagery around that image. It helps not only to ground the image in specificity, but it gives a full, sensual experience to the poem.

Hope this helped =)
Vitamin Ctierfal on October 17th, 2008 12:49 am (UTC)
I'm definitely an iamb dork; I blame Shakespeare. XD

Very good points, and thanks very much! :)
attentionhoardattentionhoard on October 17th, 2008 04:10 pm (UTC)
Editor!
Hi there! I'm going to be your other editor this round. My style consists of reading through your entry and commenting on anything that sticks out to me; good, bad, or otherwise. Sorry this took so long. Real life has been really busy and I want to thank you being so patient!

Here we go...

1. I really love that you've crafted a poem here with a rhyme scheme that doesn't feel like a nursery rhyme. Nice work!

2. In every poem there's a line that sticks our to the reader for unknown reasons. It just holds a certain poetic appeal. To me, it's this line: The nightfall holds its orange folds
As we all wish we could.
. Nice, nice work.

3. Overall, I can't think of much to "edit". You have strong choices present in the poem and you are clearly a talented writer. I look forward to your future entries! Nice work!

Vitamin Ctierfal on October 17th, 2008 09:50 pm (UTC)
Re: Editor!
Thank you very much! ^_^