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08 October 2008 @ 03:10 pm
"There it goes"  
So it's brigits_flame time again.

The last time I wrote poetry was, if memory serves, almost exactly a year ago. I just don't do poetry much, because it always sounds kind of juvenile to me when I'm done, and I don't tend to like it. But I was contemplating the prompt last night, abject and computerless, and my brain started throwing words at me. No clue why they decided to be these ones, and I didn't want to force them to try to be any others. Mea culpa. XD

Thanks as always to eltea for looking it over. :) The prompt was that it had to start with the words "There it goes."

There -- it -- goes --

The right, the wrong, the siren song;
The crystal nonsense words;
The shards of glass through which we pass;
The soaring flightless birds.

The truth, the lie, the screaming sigh;
The whisper in the wood;
The nightfall holds its orange folds
As we all wish we could.

The cautious haste, the grateful waste;
The corners of the ring;
The clock that stops, the tearing drops;
Absurd, and everything.

 
 
Feeling: confusedconfused
 
 
 
Lauri~leyse on October 16th, 2008 10:04 pm (UTC)
Hi, I'm your editor for this week from B_F.

One of the tricks to writing really good poetry is familiarizing yourself with poetic tools.

For instance, you are using Iambic meter in this piece (more information found here: http://www.writing.upenn.edu/~afilreis/88/meter.html) which is fine and dandy, and used by the greats, but it's typically used in pentameter (10 syllables per line) rather than tetrameter (what you've used, eight syllables per line) because it has a tendency to be a bit sing-song ish, which can make a poem sound trite no matter the themes and images.

One way to avoid this sing song sound is to break up the sentences. Here you have each line contain a complete thought, try extending the thought across line breaks to make the meter less apparent but still keeping the nice flow that iambic gives.

My only other criticism is that the images are really vague here. They're grand, epic, I can tell whatever is going is something big, but at the end of the poem, I really have no idea what "it" is. Try to pick an exact thing that's going, and use specific images related to that. For instance, if you're talking about childhood, refer to swings and sand