?

Log in

No account? Create an account
 
 
16 October 2008 @ 10:20 pm
"Fuel"  
Hmm, a Thursday night composed of some mediocre attempts at prose?  Must be brigits_flame time!

I really don't like this one, but I couldn't do any better.  Thanks as always to eltea for the idea and the edit. XD

I’m starving.

The ground beneath me is ever so slightly damp in places, and I can’t help the satisfied hiss that escapes me as I suck it dry.  I turn the shriveled leaves to charred dust and move along.

The trees, next, perhaps—they raise crooked arms in supplication to the sky.  I crawl towards them, dart up them, and gnaw at their wrinkled skin, thick and stiff and tasteless, barring me from the tender flesh of their insides.  When I manage to cut through, I drain them and leave the withered shells to mark the place like gravestones.

My voice isn’t much to brag about and never has been, but I sing to myself as I trip cheerfully down the hillside, the grass crackling with me in a cacophonous harmony as I spread my arms wide to embrace it all, to blanket its breadth.  We must look so lovely, joined this way, melting together, but eventually I must abandon the hill as well.  I paint it black to give it something to remember me by.

I breathe into the sky, and fragments of ash twirl like snowflakes, flirting with the breeze that ushers them, stinging, into eyes and lungs and mouths.  I laugh softly, and no-longer-greenery sighs.

I’m still hungry.

I’m always hungry.


 
 
 
Feeling: frustratedfrustrated
 
 
 
richelle2972richelle2972 on October 17th, 2008 05:43 am (UTC)
I get it! It's fire! *is very proud of myself* You can tell that it's been a long day when THAT makes me so very proud. :P Though you might not have liked it very much, I did. I love these sorts of pieces where you have to try and figure out who (or what) the speaker is.
Vitamin C: L and Misatierfal on October 17th, 2008 09:40 pm (UTC)
Man, you should've seen how proud I was of myself when I actually figured out a fanfiction mystery once. The guy I suspected TOTALLY DID IT. It was crazy-awesome. XD

Er, anyway, glad you liked it! XD
(Deleted comment)
Vitamin Ctierfal on October 17th, 2008 09:42 pm (UTC)
I'm definitely taking that as a compliment; I heart him immensely. ^^;

I think most people have an inner pyro, and many of them have outer pyros as well. XD

Thanks much. :3
Ngocorientalblossom on October 18th, 2008 04:41 am (UTC)
Brilliant, as always. I love the imagery here, and I especially love the pairing of words - the language is just absolutely beautiful. It must be because I've just finished the series, but this reminded me of one of the scenes in Twilight :]

...and then I was sorta going "huh?" until I read the comments below and was like "oh." I am unforgivably slow, but it didn't ruin the effect of your story anyhow. Good luck & keep writing!
Vitamin Ctierfal on October 18th, 2008 09:14 pm (UTC)
Thanks, I'm glad you liked it! ^^
cedarwolfsingercedarwolfsinger on October 18th, 2008 11:30 pm (UTC)
Oh, my! I got it right off...considering the inspiration for the community name (Brigit) is one of my Patronesses... Of course, I got fire... She's a forge Goddess, after all. (Smithcraft, healing, inspiration)

Anyway -- I'm sorry you don't like it. I think it is very neat.
Vitamin Ctierfal on October 19th, 2008 03:11 am (UTC)
Oh, my goodness, I totally wasn't even thinking of the very name of the community...! XD

Thanks very much! I'm glad you do! x)
Biancamermaidbia on October 19th, 2008 03:54 am (UTC)
I'm too fantasy-defiled, I was actually picturing a sort of god that devours nature. Which I suppose fire is. God, I'm smart. -_-

This was short and intense, and as usual, I totally love it.
Vitamin Ctierfal on October 19th, 2008 06:43 pm (UTC)
I should really do fantasy more often; that's where my roots are. XD

Thanks very much! I'm glad! ^^
dragonrose: Brigit's Flame 2triplescorpio on October 19th, 2008 11:11 pm (UTC)
Editor!
I must be slow. I couldn't figure out who was speaking until I read the comments. Very frustrating for me. However, it doesn't detract from your essay. I thought it was beautifully written, with superb imagery: "I breathe into the sky, and fragments of ash twirl like snowflakes, flirting with the breeze that ushers them" is just one example. Maybe what you "didn't like" was the fact that this wasn't a story, per se. But it's a beaurifully written personification, nonetheless.
Vitamin Ctierfal on October 20th, 2008 03:41 am (UTC)
Re: Editor!
Sorry, that's definitely my bad! XD I sometimes have a lot of trouble conveying what I know well enough for it to be clear.

I think mostly I was dissatisfied because I rushed it and knew that I had, and yes, because there wasn't much storyline to speak of.

Thanks very much; I'm glad you liked it! ^^
hwango: amusedhwango on October 20th, 2008 10:39 am (UTC)
Cool! Er...you know what I mean. Nice job!

Vitamin Ctierfal on October 20th, 2008 10:43 am (UTC)
Hahaha. I love puns more than I rightfully should. XD

Thanks very much! ^^
Writing Journal of A. C. Moorepast0rl_insanty on October 25th, 2008 04:58 pm (UTC)
Hey there, I'm your other editor for this past week. Terribly sorry for the delay~

Nice little piece you had here. It had some really great lines and nice imagery, but I felt that in some places the wording seemed a bit rough.

ever so slightly: It might be only me, but I always tend to hyphenate this phrase--'ever-so-slightly'.

the shriveled leaves to charred: Until this point we don't get an idea of what the floor you're on looks like, so saying 'the leaves' is a bit "Wait what leaves?". Try taking out the 'the' and change 'to' to 'into'. "I turn shriveled leaves into charred dust"

no-longer-greenery sighs: The phrase doesn't sound as poetic as the rest of them when you read it out loud to yourself. I think it's because of the 'greenery' that it doesn't fit, because it doesn't sound correct. If you change it to "no longer green (something) sighs" it might flow better.

Anyways, that's all I was able to catch! Good job on last week and good luck on week 3!
Vitamin Ctierfal on October 25th, 2008 11:55 pm (UTC)
Thank you very much! :)